ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'M SUCCUMBING TO PUBLIC PRESSURE
1--gag hook, left grunge; seven iron shoved, viagra chip (tense for more than four hours), two putts
2--flip hook, left grunge; four iron shoved into Sherwood Forest; pitch shot over green into upper deck, another viagra chip; two putts; Sulk
3--Snow shovel push off tee with a four iron; dropkick sickly seven iron into hazard (no splash, pike position, Russian Judge Screwed me or I would have won the ball diving contest); Lob wedge to five feet, one putt;
4--Watch Bob Ace; spastic-shove nine iron, non-neuropathy pitch to 6 feet, make putt straight down Matterhorn
5--Death Grip hook into right trees; Hack rescue club onto fairway; sickly sand wedge layup; Carlos Marmol slider 8 iron to left fringe; two putts
6 --Big Looping Hook into Blockout forest: Grunt low hook out to right with three iron; wedge to 25 feet, lipout for two putts
7--Crush drive in middle; swing 8 iron somewhat like torque wrench and leave it short right; some kind of scissorhands, terrible chip to about 12 feet; two putts, both demonstrating peripheral neuropathy
8--Crush drive into wind on wet fairway; Accidentally thump four iron onto green; Never scare hole with a Jerry's Kids birdie putt;
9--Throat-closing pushed 8 iron right of bunker, somewhere near Palmyra; hack lob wedge somewhere on green, putt accidentally falls into hole
10 -- Pitiful bunt right; pullhook; spastic pitchdump into bunker; bunker shot to six inches, make putt.
11 -- Pedro Martinez curveball into the left Kutara Depression; jerk lob wedge up somewhere in the neighborhood; putt somehow stumbles into hole;
12 -- Four iron to right fairway; wedge to four feet; hit first putt too hard; sulk.
13 --Spinout no-motor-skills-but-plenty-of-force power hook into left rhubarb; cut beautiful four iron to middle of green; three freaking putts, sulk
14 --power choke-shove into right spinach; fat four iron that somehow stumbled onto green; two putts.
15 --hit 8 iron fat; take divot about the size of Ecuador and leave it way right; Nudge ugly pitch shot to ten feet; shove first putt way right, hits rock or punch mark and accidentally goes into hole; smile
16--Large Drive right fairway; screaming mallard four iron into left bunker; blast to 8 feet; miss easy, straight putt while making it look hard; sulk
17--(Nasty Rain begins) Toe Hook into left Gazunga; hybrid to 150 markers; totally indigestible, retch-inducing, thin rightward seven iron to right rough; gouge Sand Wedge out to 20 feet; mishit putt but also misread it--they canceled one another out and putt went in. Stopped sulking
18 -- Hit 4 iron off tee for the safety of motorists on 36th St and cleverly fly it into right rough, tree line; 8 iron over a tree somehow stumbles onto left edge of green; two putt by Braille
I knew you'd want to know.