DEATH AND HEALING

Well, today we interrupt the scintillating discussion of whether one candidate is a loving husband, who stole what yard sign and whether a current elected official speaks sweetly to her employees for a discussion of a trivial little topic, dealing with death.

This is topical for me because one of my most precious friends died while I was out of town Wednesday.

How does one help a grieving family? What does one say to the survivors? How do I deal with my own loss, while not adding to the grief of the survivors?

All of that frankly still baffles me. One of my jobs in the military was on a 9 man team. Five us got out and went home. Four died before they could get out. My own sister, fifteen months younger than me, died when we were young adults. All but one of the great men I considered mentors are dead. We buried another precious friend in November and the lively young adult daughter of another in February. I'm experienced with death.

Still, I struggle with all the questions above. I have come to believe there is no magic phrase that helps and there are no real good Rules of Thumb. Kind words about the deceased sometimes help, sometimes cause pain. Mostly, I think it's best just to express sympathy in the most straightforward way. If a survivor needs something else, they'll tell you.

Where I have been a survivor, I have appreciated the mere act of coming by to express condolences. Where somebody has run on or said something insensitive, I have chosen to believe that we were all just doing the best we could.

Where I have walked away from a bereavement situation feeling like what I have said was unhelpful, I have chosen to take it as a sign that my spiritual growth was not yet complete and I would be better in the future.

Dealing with death is not an enjoyable blog topic, but it is a universal part of the human experience.