DYING TO SPEAK HONESTLY
I have a friend from another town. He looks well. He's great to be around. He's maybe ten years younger than I. He's also dying.
He knows. He knows that I know. Yet, when we're together, we talk of trivial stuff. I want him to know his friends will do the death watch with him. We'll look after his family in every possible way. We'll mourn him. We'll help with a memorial at his alma mater. And I guess I want to tell him how much I have treasured him and how much I'll miss him. But he won't initiate it and I won't go there without his permission. So we talk about his trip to the Fijords, his son's college soccer games and the recipe book he's half-heartedly writing. How much deference do the patient's wishes deserve before the needs of his family and friends to deal with his impending death kick in?
Maybe my good manners is just cowardice. Maybe I should just go on a death-rant but that seems selfish, meeting my needs in his time of greatest need. I've done death watches before but this one is making me chew nails. The etiquette of death is very frustrating.
posted by UMRBlog @ 02:00
3 comments
3 Comments:
It would be my guess that your friend is trying to spare you. Maybe he doesn't want to see you suffer the pain of losing him. Perhaps he just wants to feel that things between you haven't changed. Perhaps writing him a letter and expressing your thoughts would help. Do it now, because after he's gone, the opportunity to tell him what he's meant in your life is gone.
My father passed away last night. 82 years old, Alzheimer's victim. I will sure miss him. I know he knows how much I loved him. I told him as he was dying.
My grandfather passed away a few years ago. He found out around Easter that he had cancer and passed in June. Our family is very tight, so most of his kids and grandkids were at his house daily. The man was incredible throughout all of it, never complaining, but continuing to teach those around him how to live life to the best of their ability.
Your friend knows what he's going through but choosing to do it in his own way. Talk to him about the trivial stuff or whatever he wants. If or when he needs to talk about dying, he will. He may have already accepted and delt with the situation in his own way. His family and friends may need to support each other more than they need to support him, at times anyway.
Thanks to both of you. Your input is helpful.
TYFCB
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