BAD DUTY: HOW TO GO ABOUT IT
I have a friend in another town. Very successful businessman, family, church, civic supporter, country club, all the American Dream trappings. His very smart and attractive wife is a teacher and his three kids, ages about five to about 17 (I'm being purposefully vague here) are all bright and observant.
They are in their 40's and married about 20 years. Two things have happened here at year's end which make his life complicated. First, he's had a true religious conversion and now considers himself "saved." He's really serious about redirecting his life to serve the Lord. The second is a result of the first. He has ended his four year extra-marital affair with a young woman from a nearby city. As nearly as he knows, the woman has accepted the end and is no danger to disclose anything. He has been very careful. He spent gobs of cash creating meeting places and love nests away from his home area. He never said he was in one town when he was in another. He is certain that he was never detected. He has never sent any emails or letters or had flowers delivered (for all you horny husbands out there, this is kind of the big three). He led the league in disposable cell phones. He really believes he was never detected.
But, he now that it is over, feels an undeniable need to tell his wife. His friends have told him he's stupid, that he'll just hurt her more. Moreover, they have told him that, even if she didn't know he was doing someone else, she knew "something" had gone out of their marriage. If he just rededicates himself to the marriage, she'll feel that, too. No, this idiot is bound and determined to tell her:
So that's today's essay question kiddies: If he's gonna tell her, how, exactly, does he tell her and how does he orchestrate it.
Never mind "don't do it." That ship has sailed.
Oh, at the Country Club after church, dining with the kids, is probably not the approved solution.
This guy reads this blog: Help him out!
THIS ADDED AFTER TWO DAYS OF FRUSTRATION--PEOPLE, HE'S GONNA DO IT. GIVE UP THE PREDICTING OUTCOMES AND TELLING HIM NOT TO DO IT AND TELL HIM HOW
posted by UMRBlog @ 13:37
15 comments
15 Comments:
She'll be gone. Count on it! His conscience may be salved, but alone he will be.
Well, since he has ruled out the obvious best solution....shut your mouth, get on with your life, and stop hurting people....I would have to say this:
"Orchestrate" is not a good idea. Just get a bag packed for the inevitable throw-out-of-the-house, wait for the weekend when neither of them will have to show up for work the next day looking awful, and go straight to it.
I still think keeping one's mouth shut and changing one's life is a better option.
Fred,
I get that. But that ship has sailed.
This is a "how to do it," rather than a "Whether to do it."
TYFCB
Are you sure he is not being the selfish one by trying to make him feel better about it and to get it off his chest? Because at this point, all it would do is hurt someone-and because he is smart as you say, he should reflect on why he feels the need to do this-he should really analyze who he is doing this for.
Lite,
Agreed--and that argument has been made, as in "Look, Bud, your quest for forgiveness, if it works, take the pain from your heart and places it upon the heart of the person you say you love most!"
He counters with not wanting to live an "inauthentic" relationship.
All of this reminds me of the Classic scene in North Dallas Forty where the Mac Davis character tell the horny, born again second string quarterback "A little lyin's good for a relationship!"
Nonetheless, he's gonna tell her. The question remains how. Help this guy! He, as I said, reads this blog.
TYFCB
With regards to your last SPEAK Umr. I don't think it's a good idea for these guys to post under their traditional monikers. Their wives might be reading this.
If he tells her he doesn't love her and wants out of the lie he is living.
Anon 1505,
I know it was a short sentence but I'm trying to sort through the pronouns to see which one refers to which woman.
If nothing else, you make an excellent implicit argument for practicing monogamy. One sentence gave me a headache.
TYFCB
15:05 here
I missed a comma.
I meant, if he tells his wife of his affair, then I believe he doesn't love his wife and is looking for a way out of the lie he is living. It is likely she will divorce him. If she doesn't leave him, things will never be the same anyway.
Does he really love his wife? If so, he should just shut-up and do his best to forget his mistake, hoping she will never find out.
Sorry for the short, confusing comment earlier.
This is a very sad circumstance. Most likely, she already knows and has decided to look toward the future. He should, too.
It's not the first time, nor will it be the last time that someone has used the invisible man or their son that lives in the sky to launder their past.
See: Religion used to launder their past.
http://quincyforum.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=445
The best advice you could give your friend is to not take advice on such a life changing event from anonymous comments on a blog.
Well, maybe so but he really hasn't gotten anybody to answer his question yet.
Everybody's (Correctly) saying "don't do it." and nobody has told him HOW to do it.
I've already advised him but I'm still waiting to see if anybody will tackle the question I posed and actually address this fellow on his own terms (stupid as they may be.)
A couple of added thoughts to my first comment. Besides waiting till the weekend (nobody wants to have to show up to work after a day like that), he should do it in a room where there isn't much throwable stuff, depending on how much of a temper she has. Living room, for example.
Also, if he has any memorabilia that he values, he should get that stuff out into the trunk of his car ahead of time, because once she tosses him out, there's gonna be some stuff that gets tossed into the trash or put out on the lawn.
As for the actual telling.....my original comment is all I have to offer. Don't try to script anything, just sit down and open your mouth. I still think it's a dumb idea, but what the heck.
First of all you shouldn't do it. I did when I left, and I'm sorry I did. Hadn't planned on coming back, but here I am. But since you feel you have to.....Don't go in with a script. Go in with your heart in your hand and lay it out for her. Tell her you're starting over and this is the start of your renewed honesty to her. Be ready to duck when she starts throwing stuff. Good luck.
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