NIGHT MEETING GETAWAY: A PRIMER

Do not try this at home.  Trained Professional on a closed course.

How to leave the office for night meeting out of town:

1.  Pick up pertinent file;

2.  Realize you haven't put your suit coat on yet;

3.  Put file down;

4.  Put suit coat on;

5.  Walk to elevator;

6.  Take Elevator to Ground Floor;

7.   Realize you left file on credenza;

8.   Take Elevator to Office Floor;

9.   Pick up File;

10. Walk to elevator;

11.  Take Elevator to Ground Floor;

12.  Realize you forgot to put on your topcoat;

13.  Take Elevator to Office Floor;

14.  Put file down;

15.  Put on top coat;

16. Walk to elevator;

17.  Take Elevator to Ground Floor;

18,  Realize you left file on credenza;

19.  Take Elevator to Office Floor;

20.  Pick up File;

21. Walk to elevator;

22.  Realize you have to pee before you hit the road;

23.  Return to Office;

24.  Put down file;

25.  Take off topcoat;

26.  Walk to Restroom;

27.   Inspect Plumbing;

28.   Return to Office;

29.   Put on topcoat;

30.   Walk to elevator;

31.   Cleverly realize left file on credenza, this time before getting onto elevator;

32.    Return to Office;

33.    Pick up File;

34.    Walk to Elevator;

35.     Take elevator to Ground Floor;

36.     Discover that the panic bar on the inside door is frozen shut and door cannot be used to exit building'

37.    Go to auxiliary exit which requires key;

38.    Put file on floor;

39.   Take off topcoat;

40.   Fumble for keys;

41.   Listen to cellphone in topcoat pocket ring;

42.   Snatch Topcoat up from floor;

43.   Fumble for Cellphone;

44.   Curse Loudly as window shows "unknown number;"

45.   Put on topcoat;

46.   Jiggle keys until damn door finally opens;

47.   Hold door open while stretching to pick file up off floor;

48.   Walk out door;

49.    Jiggle Key to re-lock ghastly auxiliary door;

49a.  Hyphenated Cursing;

50.    Complete Locking Door as Polar Wind Blows file from my hand;

51.    Curse in short bursts;

52.    Simultaneously pick up file and drop cell phone onto icy sidewalk;

53.    Serial Cursing;

54.    Walk to car;

55.    Slip on ice enroute, wrenching lower back;

56.    Enter car;

57.    Press Start Button;

58.    Read Light Emitting Diode Message "No Key Detected."

59.    Mutter Curses while rifling pockets for key fob;

60.    Find key Fob in pocket under metal money clip where its little signal was blocked;

61.    Start car;

62.    Listen as Satellite Radio plays out Anthony Robbins telling me how positive expectations are going to open up endless possibilities in my life;

63.    Pull carefully out of parking lot en route to meeting;

64.    Run through torture scenarios involving Anthony Robbins, sharp objects, caustic substances and Bangles Music;

65.     Rinse;

66.     Repeat;